Grace Dent reviews Joe Allen: Still up to its old tricks

Joe’s really has, as promised, been moved faithfully, lovingly and, in fact, eerily
Much loved: Actors' haunt Joe Allen
Danny Elwes
Grace Dent14 December 2017

Theatre people will always cause a colossal racket whenever they’re socialising, because to become a theatre person, one has probably always been the loudest person in any room.

Put that theatrical person together with their acting buddies in a restaurant and it’s safe to say that five dancers from The Lion King, picking at Waldorf salads between performances, could make more noise than a Hawker Siddeley Nimrod landing at Farnborough Airshow.

Luckily, if you love, or loathe, these sorts, they’ve always been easy to find, or avoid, in London at dinner time. They’re in Joe Allen. Well, they were in the old Joe Allen on Exeter Street — an American-style brasserie that had been indulging them for 40 years. Joe Allen, I shall explain for Londoners who’ve never eaten a burger downwind from Christopher Biggins, Sheridan Smith and four French peasants from Les Misérables, is a sort of thespian TGI Fridays. And I mean this with love. It serves comfort food — chicken parmigiana, lobster roll and calf’s liver on mash — to board-treaders, their agents and all other mill and chaff of this business we call ‘show’.

It serves fine, face-melting cocktails, for example the ‘Bitter Queen’ made from gin, Dubonnet and orange bitters. And when the server ferries one to the table and says, ‘Bitter Queen?’, it’s customary, among my gang at least, to point to the most acerbic gay at the table and say, ‘Oh, honey, you’ve met our friend before, have you?’ and then cackle loudly. If this type of joke doesn’t appeal to you, you probably won’t like Joe Allen. Me, I love it.

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But, by turn, when Joe Allen announced it would be uprooting from Exeter Street and moving to Burleigh Street, closer to The Strand, I was the first to declare it over. You can’t, I thought, uproot a gnarly beast like Joe, with his floorboards stained in decades of actor’s sweat and spilled Martinis. You can’t simply move, take some posters out of a removal van, and say, ‘This is Joe Allen’. To worsen matters, Joe was moving due to the purchase of his block by Robert De Niro in order for the Dirty Grandpa star to build one of those luxury boutique hotels of which London is so, so dearly in need.

Of course, all plots need a good twist. And, in visiting the all-new Joe’s I was, as ever, proved to be a complete arse. On a cold Tuesday night the roar of a jubilant, jam-packed identikit Joe Allen hit me as I opened the door.

Joe’s really has, as promised, been moved faithfully, lovingly and, in fact, eerily. All the posters. All the clutter. The lighting still dim, the acoustics still deafening and the food still perfectly decent. This is dependable dinner. It’s a hug on a plate that says to actors: ‘It’s okay, you were right to move 4,000 miles away from your mother to say three lines in Jersey Boys.’

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The secret off-menu burger is still there and, if topped with bacon and cheese, will keep any supporting cast member full until the final curtain. An order of fresh, hot, slightly soggy zucchini fritti with a good assertive aioli was as big as my head. We battled on eating all of them. A lobster bisque had impressive dark depth. The grilled swordfish served in a lemony, oily, capery slick of loveliness with a carby hit of smashed potatoes has ended up on my 2017 Best Dishes Ever list. This was simply a lovely dinner in a venue that celebrates the pleasures of good company and a convivial vibe. We bowed out after sharing a cheese board rather than pudding, as I need to look good in leggings for my next failed Mamma Mia! audition.

De Niro’s development could have broken this restaurant. Joe Allen said, let’s go on with the show.

Joe Allen

2 Gin and tonics £12.90
2 Glasses of Malbec £22
1 Joe’s bacon cheese burger  £12.95
1 Zucchini fritti £4.95
1 Goat’s cheese salad £7.95
1 Lobster bisque £7.95
1 Swordfish £17.95
1 Cheese selection £7
1 Pea and shallots £3
1 Tomato and red onion salad £3.95

2 Burleigh Street, WC2 (020 7836 0651; joeallen.co.uk)